Portrait of Adele

Painting by numbers.

Seemed a bit tedious at first (don’t even get me started on the shambolic brushes that come with the set) but I’ve since developed a certain ease with this level of dictatorship. It’s not that I like being dominated; I just like being told what to do.

Having completed a painting of the Eiffel Tower in the early days of lockdown, I then progressed to the head of a deer in varying shades of neon. A depiction of three owls in varying shades of puzzled and perplexed soon followed. Now, an advanced Painter-By-Numberer, I have long felt the need to broaden my brush-stroke range and challenge myself to make bolder artistic choices.

To this effect I have today painted myself onto a canvas using the skills I have acquired in my painting by numbers pursuits. Not a self-portrait I must clarify, I’m literally stuck in this painting. And before you ask, no this isn’t a mistake on my part, it’s wholly intentional.

“Why diminish yourself in a painting, Adele?!” I hear you ask.

Well maybe I want to be bought on eBay and discarded once lockdown ends? Maybe I enjoy being treated like a disposable toy and crumpled into the bottom drawer of the bedside cabinet alongside 3 used batteries, an iPhone 4 charger, 47 plectrums, a screwdriver, an incomplete deck of cards and one single glove? If the buyers don’t want me I can always re-emerge in a different painting; a collaboration with the owls perhaps?

I drew the shapes all by myself by the way; rectangles, triangles, squares, dots, swirls, circles, eyeballs and a few token boobs for that je ne sais quoi. What’s more, a momentary glance at this canvas will confirm that when it comes to hair style, the wheel has well and truly been reinvented. Inspired by a pirate hat, the result is totally avante-garde and devastatingly chic.  

It took me a good three hours to number every shape (24 numbers in total with corresponding colours) and whilst the paint-stroking ought really to have been left to the eventual purchaser, I simply couldn’t help myself. By tea time I had paint-stroked myself silly. What can I say, I’m a rascal!

Now I lie in my painted bed (felt it best to prepare for all eventualities) with my eyes heavy but my heart and cheeks ablaze with self-satisfaction.

Tomorrow I shall post myself on eBay for a very reasonable £0.98.

(Brushes/Paints not included, Postage and Packaging £1.899.99)