The Muffin Man Exchange

To whom it may concern,

As I was standing at the stage door last night following a mesmerising performing of 42nd Street, I couldn’t help but lament the notable absence of the Muffin Man on Drury Lane.

Please may you advise as to whereabouts of said Muffin Man? Whilst the cast of 42nd Street are indeed quite the attracting force, in truth my journey to the West End was inspired largely by the pursuit of a selfie with the great man himself.

It has been suggested to me that he has taken a break from the glare of media attention following a bust up with Lord Farquaad – please may you confirm if this is true?

Yours in anticipation,

Simon.

*****

Dear Simon,

Many thanks for your recent enquiry.

With respect to your question concerning the Muffin Man and his alleged altercation with Lord Farquaad, we would like to take this opportunity on behalf of our client to categorically refute any such claims.

The Muffin Man has always, as a matter of principle, held himself to the highest possible standards of conduct and for anyone to lay claim to bust ups or brawls with a man of such stature is to run with a piece of baseless tabloid speculation and knowingly elevate it to the status of fact. The malicious intent is practically pungent and verging on blasphemy.

Please may you withdraw these allegations before we proceed to the subject of his whereabouts/availability for selfies.

Yours faithfully,

Nursery Rhyme Talent and Associates

 

*****

 

Dear Associates,

To say I am shocked by your recent communication (dated November 7th, Two Thousand and SASS) is an understatement of extraordinary proportions.

You might have noticed in my initial correspondence (dated November 6th, Two Thousand and YOU CAN GO FUCK YOURSELF) that I mentioned an allegation that had been ‘suggested to me’ and not one ‘generated by me’.

I consider your willingness to glean the worst from an innocent enquiry quite startling actually and it makes me speculate as to the reasoning behind your defensive and emotionally violent language. What are you people hiding?

I refuse your request for a withdrawal of my remarks which we both know to be wholly innocent and made in good faith.

I hereby insist that you withdraw YOUR remarks alleging blasphemy.

HOW DARE YOU.

Yours incredulously,

Simon

 

*****

 

Dear Simon,

We have noted your recent letter (dated November 8th, Two Thousand and OH I’M SORRY (NOT SORRY) DID WE OFFEND YOU??).

As if it wasn’t bad enough that you had sought to assassinate the good character of our client, you have now added insult to injury by waging war on Nursery Rhyme Talent as a whole. Your inference that we are ‘hiding’ something is petty and pathetic but we nevertheless feel the need to address the remark so as to put the matter to bed.

If by ‘hiding’ you mean ‘protecting the privacy and reputation of our client and indeed, all nursery rhyme talent represented by us’ then YES, yes we are hiding.

We will not be withdrawing our remarks containing reference to blasphemy. You might have noticed in our letter (dated November 7th, Two Thousand and MAKING SHIT UP JUST COS YOU HAVEN’T A LEG TO STAND ON) that your malicious intent was described as ‘verging on blasphemy’. Going forward, might we suggest that you read a sentence in its entirety before succumbing to hysterical responses? It would serve you very well.

We would like to take this opportunity to reiterate our insistence that you withdraw your initial allegations, wrongfully advanced towards our client.

Yours indifferently,

Nursery Rhyme Talent and Associates

 

 *****

Associate(s),

I have received your letter (dated November 9th, Two Thousand and YOU THINK YOU’RE SO GREAT BUT ALL YOU ARE IS A PARASITE, PRETENDING TO CARE ABOUT YOUR CLIENTS BUT ACTUALLY ONLY CARING ABOUT THE FUCKING 10%, YOU INSUFFERABLE COCK).

For your information I CAN read a sentence in full and if I did respond emotionally it was owing to me being provoked by your inflammatory style of communication. I am neither impressed nor amused by your sarcasm and condescension.

Suffice to say I am in no way prepared to surrender to a BULLY, least of all a BULLY representing a fucking muffin muncher.

I’m serious about the blasphemy thing. DON’T make me ask again.

Yours in defiance,

Simon.

 

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